If I weren’t such a good person, I’d key your car, you idiot.

Dear Horrible Man Who Tattled On My Cat,

I do in fact think that you are a terrible person. You are probably only living in Polo Club because you are a post-graduate who can’t seem to find your feet (despite the fact that you’re old and balding) or you have spent the last fifteen years or so still in the bar scene, and corporate ladder is just a little tougher to climb with a constant hangover. Nonetheless, despite your age, you stooped to the level of a toddler today when you went and told the property manager that I had a pet. This will in no way benefit you, making you a complete, selfish dumbass. I do hope that someone takes away the best part of your life and that, while feeling the anguish of the loss, you die, your body to be devoured by a pack of wild, crazed wolves. Best of luck.

Sincerely,
Your Catless Neighbor

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